From: glen mccready 
  To: 0xdeadbeef@substance.abuse.blackdown.org
Date: Wed, 31 Jul 1996 08:22:35 -0400

Forwarded-by: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Forwarded-by: Keith Sullivan <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>

SCHOOL DAYS

You can tell a freshman,
    by his slaphappy look.

You can tell a sophomore,
    because he carries a comic book.

You can tell a junior,
    by his debonairness and such.

You can tell a senior,
    but you can't tell him much.

Nancy Carson <JMFS19A@prodigy.com>

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
ACADEMIC LIKE ME

Jan 3rd, 1995

I have long heard of the lives of the privileged classes, and now I have
prepared myself to experience life as a member.  Tomorrow, I will don the
uniform of the academic and reenter society, NOT as I once was, a worker and
pawn of the educated classes, but as a peer of those very people.  Tomorrow,
I shall become an academic!

Jan 4th, 1995

Dressed in a pair of green slacks with shortened legs, red cardigan and
egg-yolk-stained tee-shirt; sporting a scraggly beard and armed only with a
pipe, I stepped onto the University Campus.

Immediately upon mumbling some incomprehensible gibberish, I was greeted on
with respect and awe by my fellow academia.

Applying for tenure was simple. The questions were very direct:

	They:	Do you know what you're doing?
	Me:	This is Belgium, right?
	They:	You have a masters in English?
	Me:	I have a Red Volvo!
	They:	And you're applying for a position in the department
		of Physics?
	Me:	I think sometimes, therefore I am illogical!

I was appointed immediately and released to an unsuspecting student population.

Jan 5th 1995

Today was my first as a lecturer.  I prepared conscientiously by drinking
heavily, watching lots of television and going to bed very late the
preceding night.

Turning up at my lecture the prescribed 1 minute late, I spoke of Yeats and
the passion of his poetry.

The first year Physics students were left speechless.

Jan 6th 1995

I did not go to work today, due to my thinking it was Saturday.

Jan 7th 1995

I did not go to work today, due to my thinking it was a Wednesday.

Jan 8th 1995

I went to work today and was distressed at the lack of attendance.

Jan 9th 1995

Being conscientious in the maintenance of my diary, I take a well deserved
holiday knowing that in three more days I will be eligible for a six month
sabbatical.

Jan 12th 1995

My lecture this morning was a landmark effort.  I launched into the
explanation of the right-hand-rule, then, remembering that I was an
academic, subverted myself into discussing of the right-hand-rule of
hitchhiking, the dangers of hitchhiking, the dangers of hitching in South
America, my Holiday in South America, the woman I met in South America,
the place she worked at, their physics department, then to finish off,
what their physics department said about the right-hand-rule.

I think I was well received.

Jan 13th 1995

A minor piece of confusion here in that I brought my Telephone book instead
of my lecture notes.

I improvised the basic electrical safety section of the course with the aid
of two paper clips, a student and a handy power point.

I feel sure the class now appreciates the dangers of electricity.

Attendance dropped by one.

Jan 14th

Being a Friday, I decide to excite my first year pupils with an experiment
in wave theory.  I walked into the lab, waved, and left.

I'm sure my students appreciated the humourous content.

Jan 17th

Having now mastered when weekends occur, I turned up to receive
confirmation of my sabbatical, taking it, on full pay, immediately.

Jul 17th

Back from sabbatical I realize that I did not make arrangements for a
stand-in lecturer.

In an attempt to catch up for the lost time, I set the students some
homework, pages 1-375, read and do all exercises.

Jul 18th

Attendance was exceptionally low today with only one student in class.
When I asked him how his homework was going as his entire course work
depended on it.  He screamed and left.

I marked him absent and informed the grants department that no one was
attending my courses.

Jul 21st

My students are all back having received the letter informing them that
grants are only paid to attending students.

Scholarship students, with a far harsher attendance policy, are openly
weeping.

Jul 24th

I am now eligible for three months extracurricular sabbatical, which I
decide to take immediately, warning my students that the exam will be held
the day I return, covering all aspects of the course, including the last
minute addition of the Encyclopedia Britannia to the Book List.  I expect
all students to have a copy.

Oct 24th.

Exam day.  Having no preparation time, I use last years exam and substitute
different values for the equation.

I randomly appoint a student from another class to work out the answers and
mark the exams.

Oct 27th

I receive the results of the exam which indicate that 89% of the class
passed the exam.  Lauded as an academic genius, I am awarded 6 months
further paid sabbatical to study the effects of alcohol on the mind.
Starting the third day of term next year.

I think I'm on a winner here.

Copyright (c) Simon Travaglia <spt@waikato.ac.nz>