From: glen mccready 
  To: 0xdeadbeef@substance.abuse.blackdown.org
Date: Fri, 06 Sep 1996 15:40:58 -0400

Forwarded-by: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Forwarded-by: "Rob Pike" <rob@plan9.bell-labs.com>

http://www.theonion.com/onion2920w/text2920w/bearrape.html
	-- Black Bear Attacks, Rapes, Zookeeper

   Grin and bear it! Barry, an 850 lb. black bear, got a little frisky
   with zookeeper Ron Gilks. The anal rape is believed to be the first
   inter-special coupling in Metro Zoo history.

         Here's a little dog-bites-man tale we couldn't resist! Except
   replace "dog" with "850-pound black bear"! And "bites" with "anally
   violate"!

         Yes, last Saturday a zookeeper at the Metropolitan Zoo had
   "claws" for alarm when he was attacked and raped by the same black
   bear he had raised from a cub! Geez, talk about gratitude!

         "It was horrible, just horrible," sobbed an eyewitness. Guess
   she sure got an eyeful!

         The bear, named "Barry," attacked zookeeper Ron Gilks as Gilks
   entered the cage to give him dinner. Barry lunged at his throat,
   goring him with his huge claws and razor-sharp teeth. Some of the claw
   marks were three-quarters of an inch deep. Ouch!

         Then, astonished onlookers could "bearly" believe what happened
   next--Barry began to brutally rape zookeeper Gilks!

         Frantic zookeepers rushed for rifles as others tried to divert
   the bear. But there was no stopping Barry! This bear kept "bearing
   down," and Gilks just had to grin and "bear" it! Maybe Barry was
   mistaking him for his "honey"!

   Gilks was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital. A full quart
   of bear semen was extracted from his ruptured chest cavity. And that's
   no small Boo-Boo!

         Barry's 27-inch phallus, armed with guard hairs as sharp as
   red-hot needles, shot through Gilks' rectum, shattered his lower spine
   and skewered his colon, causing his entire lower torso to "cave" in!
   Yikes! Bet that wasn't the type of "cave" you had in mind when you
   took up zookeeping, Mr. Gilks!

         And can you imagine Gilks' surprise when Barry's putrid ursine
   semen flooded his ruptured chest cavity? (By the way, Mr. Gilks,
   whatever cologne you've been wearing, where can the public get some?)

         Finally, zookeeper Eric Pulliam shot Barry with a tranquilizer
   gun and pulled Gilks from the cage. The unconscious bear was later
   destroyed. Hey, this "Yogi" made a major "Boo-Boo"!

         "I have worked with dangerous animals before," zoo director Kate
   Donegal said. "But never have I seen any animal sexually assault a
   human being." "Barry"? Try "Scary"!

         Meanwhile, Gilks was pronounced dead at an area hospital--but at
   least he died grinning and bearing it! No doubt, this episode gives
   new meaning to the term, "Do not feed the bears!"

   Copyright 1996 ONION, INC., All Rights Reserved.