From: Timothy Newsham
To: 0xdeadbeef@substance.blackdown.org
Date: Fri, 14 Jul 1995 20:17:33 -1000 (HST)
If this is a duplicate its all billybobs fault.
I dont know who the original author is, but this is got
to be one of the best things to come out of the net.
---
From: "Chad Robinson, KSC" <chadr@uhunix.uhcc.Hawaii.Edu>
Subject: Moral Alphabet of Vice and Folly (fwd)
This is truly beautiful, in the way that only the unabashedly weird can
manage to be.
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 1995 17:47:09 -1000
From: Alan Terlep <ximenez@us.itd.umich.edu>
I can only second the evaluation given by the person who forwarded
this to me. The wisdom in this is astonishing.
} This is the most remarkable thing I've gotten over the net since
}the "Why do men have nipples?" post.
}
}>
}> A Moral AlphaBet of Vice & Folly
}>
}> Embellished with Nudes & other Exemplary Materials
}>
}> by
}>
}> Stan Washburn
}>
}>
}> INTRODUCTION
}> If you were to disregard the title of this book and judge from its
}> thinness, you might expect its subject to be virtue rather than vice.
}> And if you were to take its title and its thinness together you would
}> have to assume that you were being cheated: the subject of vice and folly
}> can scarcely be comprehended in so few pages.
}> But it is not the intention of this work to say the last word on the
}> subject. This is not one of those fat and panoramic paperbacks that
}> serves up the Whole Story.
}> Gentle reader, you hold in your hand a Slim Volume, undisguised and
}> unashamed. It adheres to the rich tradition of Alphabets as
}> miscellanies, as samplers of experience. The author does not pretend to
}> a monograph on his subject; somewhat sadly, he does not even pretend to
}> expertise. As little as he knows of vice, he knows still less of folly.
}> >From much observation of others, however, he has concluded that any
}> consideration of the dilemmas of humankind should be undertaken in a
}> sympathetic spirit. If the letter P is devoted to Philosophers, it is
}> not intended that any patent of superiority should thereby be inferred by
}> Prigs.
}> the Author
}>
}>
}> A
}> An ACADEMIC speculated whether a bather is beautiful if there is none
}> in the forest to admire her. He hid in the bushes to find out, which
}> vitiated his premise but made him happy.
}> Moral: Empiricism is more fun than speculation.
}>
}>
}> B
}> A BARBARIAN made a lot of money by way of pillage and extortion, until
}> one day he was struck with remorse for his many enormities. He gave up
}> looting and ravishing on the spot, and vowed to live in peace
}> thereafter. But he did not refund the money.
}> Moral: Everyone has to live.
}>
}>
}> C
}> A CRITIC, after a life devoted to spoiling the pleasure of others, was
}> astonished to find himself roasting in eternal hellfire. "Judge not,
}> lest ye be Judged," giggled a passing fiend, and all Hades rocked with
}> laughter at this wit.
}> Moral: When you have all Eternity to get through, it is a blessing to
}> be among those who are easily amused.
}>
}>
}> D
}> A DOVE built a nest in the wreath of an Imperial bust. "If the
}> Emperor were still alive he would skin me for this indignity," thought
}> the dove. "It's a good thing for me that he's dead."
}> Moral: A tyrant should get his licks in while he can.
}>
}>
}> E
}> A celebrated EAGLE was rebuked for taking such satisfaction in his
}> magnificence. "All that distinguishes you from the pigeon is your
}> swiftness, your power, and your terrible talons and beak," jibed his
}> interlocutor.
}> "How right you are," replied the eagle.
}> Moral: It's fun to rub it in.
}>
}>
}> F
}> A FAUN, idly toying with the mechanism of a switch, was the
}> inadvertant agent of a terrible disaster. Mortified, he was quite
}> pensive for the rest of the day, but in the evening he felt better, and
}> composed a pavane in honor of the slain. It was much admired, and made
}> his fortune.
}> Moral: Waste nothing.
}>
}>
}> G
}> The GRACES demanded of a fisherman that he judge which of them was
}> most beautiful. His honest answer, "Yer none on ye a patch on my
}> Griselda," was not what they wanted to hear, and they blasted him with
}> lightning, and his Griselda with him.
}> Moral: An honest heart beats longest in a tactful bosom.
}>
}>
}> H
}> A HERO was ceaselessly admired by beautiful women. "You must find all
}> these attentions rather wearisome," observed a bystander. "You must be
}> balmy," replied the hero.
}> Moral: Bystanders get the strangest impressions.
}>
}>
}> I
}> An ICONOCLAST, despising respect for the conventions of others, hurled
}> himself upon the nearest graven image. As he was more zealous than
}> adept, however, he failed to dislodge it, and perished on the pavements
}> below.
}> Moral: It is safer to respect the conventions.
}>
}>
}> J
}> A newly installed JUDGE was presented with a chair upholstered in the
}> hide of his corrupt predecessor.
}> "Let this chair remind you to be honest," intoned the King.
}> "It will certainly remind me to be discreet," joked the judge, who was
}> presently made into a matching footstool.
}> Moral: The mot juste caps the bon mot.
}>
}>
}> K
}> A KNIGHT was enabled by vast expenditures in the latest armaments to
}> slay a dragon and rescue a particularly attractive and naked princess.
}> But the armor was so intricate that the princess had decamped before he
}> could get it off to claim the traditional reward.
}> Moral: Disarmament can be the hardest part.
}>
}>
}> L
}> A LAWYER, newly arrived in Hell, discovered that his punishment was to
}> declaim endlessly to a jury of imbeciles and a sleeping judge. "Except
}> for the food," he thought, "I would never have known I had died."
}> Moral: Look around you.
}>
}>
}> M
}> An artists' MODEL was much importuned by lechers. She began bringing
}> her imposing dog to work, but then the lecher trade dropped off so
}> sharply that her livelihood was endangered.
}> Moral: Self-employment is full of pitfalls.
}>
}>
}> N
}> A NONCONFORMIST divine, doubting in his age the fanciful heresies of
}> his youth, and fearing the everlasting torments which might hereafter
}> await him, funked. He became an atheist, reasoning that if religion were
}> tripe, deviation would not matter. Thus he died at peace.
}> Moral: Comfort is where you find it.
}>
}>
}> O
}> An ORACLE ruined most of those who relied on her worthless
}> predictions. "My advice is certainly very bad," she conceded, "but you
}> don't dare omit asking. You never know."
}> Moral: You never know.
}>
}>
}> P
}> A PHILOSOPHER concluded that man's pretentions are absurd, and that
}> worldly endeavor is without purpose. So assiduous were his ruminations
}> on this insight that he neglected to publish, and in due course he perished.
}> Moral: Publish.
}>
}>
}> Q
}> A QUAIL thought himself pretty gaudy. Indeed, vanity so engrossed him
}> that he failed to notice that other cocks were enjoying the hens in his
}> stead. Without progeny, he declined into a lonely dotage, at full
}> leasure to repent his inattention to duty.
}> Moral: We have our looks for a reason.
}>
}>
}> R
}> The REAPER raised his scythe to a great viper. "Is this gratitude,"
}> cried the viper, "to turn on me, who hath delivered so many unto you?"
}> "Many thanks," replied the Reaper, and smote him to the dust.
}> Moral: Business is business.
}>
}>
}> S
}> A SACRED COW was so venerated that nobody dared milk her. This was
}> very painful for the cow. Everyone felt it keenly, but clergy and laity
}> were helpless alike--the beast did not respond to spiritual consolation,
}> and the obvious secular measures savored of irreligion.
}> Moral: For the pious, nothing is simple.
}>
}>
}> T
}> A TAXIDERMIST stuffed a bear with such brio that he cried aloud, "I
}> _love_ it!" A passing goddess, imperfectly understanding, but wishing to
}> be responsive, kindly brought the beast to life. It consumed the artisan
}> forthwith.
}> Moral: Say what you mean.
}>
}>
}> U
}> The UNICORN is superior to the swine in every particular, except, of
}> course, that it cannot resist the blandishments of virgins, and thus is
}> easily captured. The swine, being less fastidious, is more elusive.
}> Moral: Daintiness doesn't come cheap.
}>
}>
}> V
}> A VEGETARIAN was smitten with desire for a fat and greasy sausage.
}> His longing was intense, his will shaken. But happily, wine could
}> fortify him, and he raised this rampart of principle so high that he
}> could set temptation at defiance.
}> Moral: Dutch courage is better than none.
}>
}>
}> W
}> A WOLF, having dispatched a pilgrim, was rebuked by a raven. "Think
}> of his unhappy offspring," remonstrated the bird. "Consider the
}> destitution of your cubs, if the situation were reversed." That would
}> certainly be very doleful," agreed the wolf, "but I don't think it's very
}> likely."
}> Moral: Probability is the foundation of ethics.
}>
}>
}> X
}> A XYLOGRAPHER, confident of success, borrowed largely to print great
}> numbers of his images. None sold, however, and when the notes came due
}> he could think of nothing better than to set a match to the pile and
}> climb on. "If I cannot please the public," he thought, "at least I can
}> disoblige my creditors."
}> Moral: It is important to have realistic objectives.
}>
}>
}> Y
}> A YOUTH received an annuity from his doting aunt, but it was not a
}> large one. "Alas, my nephew is not well endowed," she lamented to the
}> young ladies of the town, who received this intelligence with unbridled
}> hilarity, and afterwards avoided him.
}> Moral: Never discuss finances.
}>
}>
}> Z
}> A ZEBRA encountered a lion, but the lion, having dined, forebore to
}> strike. "To think," cried the zebra ecstatically, "that I might have
}> been carrion at this moment. Instead, I live! I live!" "There's always
}> tomorrow," yawned the lion.
}> Moral: There's always tomorrow.
}>
}>
}>
}>
}>
}>
}>
}
}
}--
}
}Elizabeth Barrett Revulsion "...bite me..."
}(maeggert@vela.acs.oakland.edu) --Emily Dickinson, poem 768