From: glen mccready To: 0xdeadbeef@substance.abuse.blackdown.org Date: Wed, 14 Jan 1998 12:53:03 -0500


Forwarded-by: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Forwarded-by: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>

Wreckless Driving -- you'd think that would be a *good* thing.
	-- Chris Sampson

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
TROU CONFESSIONS
By Tony Kornheiser, The Washington Post, Sunday, November 24 1996

You know how when you're leaving on a trip, and you're in somewhat of a
rush, and you get in your car and drive off, how you sometimes get the
sense that you've forgotten something?  And it gnaws at you, because
you're certain you've forgotten something -- but you can't figure out
what it is.  Wallet?  House keys?

Well, former major league infielder Jose Lind found himself in that
position last week.  He went out for a drive, and he forgot something.

Who can guess what?

I'll give you a minute.

Okay, who among you guessed?  According to the Associated Press, Lind
was pulled over by state troopers near Tampa.  Police approached his
Toyota Land Cruiser, and inside, they say, they found a gram of cocaine
and seven cans of beer.  Lind, they said, was "extremely inebriated."

"The reason we didn't do a field sobriety test on the side of the road,"
trooper Harley Franks reported, "was because he had no pants."

No pants.  No underpants.  Jose was naked from the waist down.

I wonder what the police said when they read him his rights.

"You have the right to remain silent.  You have the right to
representation by an attorney.  You have the right to call
Kuppenheimer..."

I hope Lind had the presence of mind to come up with creative excuses
for why he might have been driving pantsless.  If he was thinking
clearly, he could have said:

1. "I'm a professional baseball player, and I do this to toughen my
groin for line drives."

2. "I donated my pants to the Police Benevolent Association."

3. "I am indeed wearing pants.  Can't you see them?  Officer, have you
been drinking?"

4. "I beg your pardon.  I am going to the bathroom, and I would
appreciate a little privacy."

5. "Where I come from it is a grievous insult to question a man about
the whereabouts of his pants.  I'm afraid I'm going to have to demand
satisfaction.  En garde!"

(Actually, this whole thing might work out nicely for Lind.  I can see
him getting a TV commercial out of this.  There could be a reenactment
of the arrest, and Lind steps out of the car -- and he's naked except
that on his butt is the patch from No Excuses jeans.)

I know what you're thinking:  What was he thinking?

I myself have gone out of my house without pants; I have run out in a
robe or a raincoat early in the morning to pick up the newspaper.
Perhaps Mr. Lind did the same thing, and then simply forgot he had
nothing on but a sweat shirt -- because, you know, it's warm in Tampa,
and nobody wears a lot of clothes -- and he got in his car and ... this
won't work, will it?

No, Jose Lind has entered that rarefied real estate in American
cheeseball infamy heretofore occupied only by one Mr. Gerard Finneran,
the guy who pooped on the airline beverage cart.

Maybe Jose thought he could get away with it.  Maybe he thought nobody
would notice.  Guys think they are invisible when they are driving their
cars, as anyone can attest who has ever seen a guy at a red light
excavating a nostril as though it were the catacombs at Halicarnassus.

The other day, immediately after my editor and I expressed disbelief at
how someone could actually get into his car and start driving without
his pants on, I was walking in the hall, and the first person I saw was
my friend Paul -- and I emphasize he was the first person I saw.  Paul
asked me what I was writing about, and I said Jose Lind.

"The ballplayer?" Paul said.

"Right, the ballplayer.  He was caught driving around without his pants
on!"

"I've done that," Paul said.

"What???"

Then Paul proceeded to tell me about going with his wife and son to the
beach at the appropriately named Assateague Island.  At the end of the
day, while his wife and son used the public shower, Paul decided to play
a joke on them.  And he got into his car, and took off his bathing suit,
and started driving around naked.

Ha ha, Paul said.  What a riot it was!

I did not say anything.

See, Paul explained enthusiastically, from above the steering wheel he
just looked like another beachgoer, so when a cop passed...

He paused.

I did not say anything.  But I was taking notes.

"Er, this is going to cost me that Cabinet secretary's job, isn't it?"
Paul asked.

Uh-huh.

Except in the Jose Lind administration.

 Copyright 1996 The Washington Post Company

Tony Kornheiser (Unofficial) Home Page
<http://www.geocities.com/Athens/1603/korn.html>
--
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