From: glen mccready
To: 0xdeadbeef <0xdeadbeef@petting-zoo.net>
Date: Wed, 24 Mar 2004 14:33:47 -0800
Forwarded-by: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Jeffrey C Honig <jch@honig.net>
Forwarded-by: "essuh1" <honig@discoverdog.com>
Forwarded-by: <rachel friedman@s...>
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Lesson #1
A man was getting out of bed just as his wife is finishing up her shower
when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over who will go
downstairs to answer the door, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself
up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.
Before she can say a word, Bob smiles: "I'll give you $200 to drop that
towel."
The woman thinks for a second and drops her towel. Bob smiles again,
hands her two $100 bills and leaves.
Excited about her good fortune, the woman puts her towel back on
and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband
shouts from the shower, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob, from next door," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $200 I
lent him?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.
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Lesson #2
A priest was driving along, and seeing a nun on the side of the road,
stopped to offer her a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing
her dress to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and
nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily placed
his hand next to her thigh.
The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm
129."
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely, removing
his hand. But the next time he changed gears, he again let his hand
land next to her leg.
Once again, the nun gave him a look: "Father, remember Psalm 129."
Once again the priest apologized, "I'm sorry, sister, but the flesh
is weak!"
Arriving at her destination, the nun got out of the car, gave the
priest one last meaningful glance and went on her way.
On his arrival at his parish church, the priest rushed to retrieve
a Bible. Finding Psalm 129, he read, "Go forth and seek, further up,
you will find glory."
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.
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Lesson #3
A sales rep, a secretary and the manager are walking to lunch when they
find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and out comes a Genie in a puff
of smoke.
The Genie says, "I only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you
just one.
"Me first! Me first!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the secretary. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
pina coladas and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager looks grim. "I want those two back in the office after
lunch!"
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
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Lesson #4
A crow was sitting on a tree, enjoying the view, when a small rabbit yelled
up at the crow, "Why can't I sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
"Why can't you?, the crow asked. "All you have to do is try!"
So, the rabbit sat back on its haunches and breathed a huge sigh of
relaxation.
All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
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Lesson #5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the
bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave
him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the
top of the tree. Soon, he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot
him right out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
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Lesson #6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground in a large field.
While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to
realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay
there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat
heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound,
the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug
him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
1: Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2: Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3: When you are warm and comfortable, even if it is in a pile of shit,
keep your mouth shut!