From: glen mccready
To: Dead Beef <0xdeadbeef@substance.abuse.blackdown.org>
Date: Wed, 19 Jul 1995 15:41:20 -0400
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Wed, 19 Jul 1995 11:35:02 -0400
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU>
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Subject: Cybernews: The homosexual agenda.
Forwarded-by: Joe.Provino@East.Sun.COM (Joe Provino - Sun BOS Software )
Forwarded-by: Michael.Stoddard@Eng (Mike Stoddard, Sun Desktop 1 CAD)
===================================================================
Hide the kids! Bolt the doors! It's the --
HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA
There's been a lot of media noise lately about the so-called 'Homosexual
agenda,' so we here at Cybernews decided to get our crack reporters on it
right away. We asked my gay upstairs neighbor Steve. We know Steve is
a homosexual, because:
% His name is Steve.
% He has track lighting.
% There are no empty beer cans in his living room.
% He uses the word 'teal' on a regular basis.
% When all his underwear are dirty he does his laundry, rather
than turning them inside-out for a second use.
% He once said to me "I am gay."
One of our other neighbors told me that Steve is a 'major homosexual.'
We asked Steve about this, and he revealed that yes, in fact
homosexuals may be promoted to seargent, lieutenant, all the way up to
general homosexual (awarded to those who are all-around, or generally
homosexual).
Steve also admitted to us that there really is a homosexual agenda,
which he showed this reporter. To the untrained eye, the 'homosexual
agenda' looks just like a regular datebook. Here are just a few
excerpts from this unnatural and family-threatening manifesto:
Monday- Laundry
Tuesday- Walk the dog
Wednesday- Pick up dry cleaning. (Aunt Louise's birthday!)
Thursday- Lunch with Mom
Friday- Library books due
Admittedly, this document wasn't as controversial as we had hoped. It
didn't strike us as the kind of thing people would get beaten to death
over. We asked Steve about this, and he revealed that the real reason
straights are uncomfortable around gays is jealousy. This sounded a
bit more likely to sell advertising space-- I mean newsworthy, so we
heard him out. Here's what Steve told us:
Gay men can walk into a gay bar anytime, day or night, and have quick,
anonymous sex with the partner of their choice whenever they feel like
it. They need not exchange names, get married, make a commitment, or
even call the next day. Do you have any idea what straight guys would
give for instant sex with a different partner whenever they feel like
it? They would give BODY PARTS!
Maybe your boyfriend is reading this along with you right now. Maybe
he's laughing that nervous laugh he has. You know the one.
"I don't know who they're thinking of Honey, but it's not me! A rich,
varied sex life with an endless succession of firm, hot young co-eds is
for guys who haven't experienced the joys of commitment!
"I love that we're waiting until we're married! Love it! The way I
see it, sex is just icing on the cake of a healthy relationship. The
important thing is that we can share our feelings with one another.
And that we can be really open. That's also super important."
How much would you pay for this lifestyle? But wait-- there's more!
Homosexuality also has a little something to offer for the ladies!
Here's a conversation between a straight couple about commitment:
Him: Marriage? We've only been dating for ten years! Of course I
feel... the 'L' word... about you, but I'm just not sure if I'm ready
for marriage!
Her: Well, take your time. Every day I become older and less
marketable on the dating scene, while your increased income means you
become more marketable. Oh, and don't you worry about my biological
clock-- I'm sure I've got five, maybe six ovum left. I'll just continue
to serve as your surrogate mother and guarranteed lay while you go out
every night drinking with the boys every night and basically refusing to
grow up.
He's not sure he's ready for a commitment? Honey, let me translate
that for you: "What if I marry her, and then someone with larger
breasts comes along?"
Now let's see that same conversation between two lesbians:
Her: Hi.
Her: Hi.
(pause)
Her: Wanna move in?
That's right-- one night after softball practice breaks early, the two
of you kiss and BAM! The next morning you exchange vows. NO dating!
NO waiting by the phone! NO "I'm not sure if I'm ready for a
commitment right now." Lesbians move from one long-term relationship to
another. And there are countless other advantages-- NO missing the
toilet when they pee! NO 'on the rag' jokes (well, actually, quite a
few more of them. But you cycle together, which is interesting). And
while men average 6 or 7 minutes before climaxing, two women can go for
HOURS! You read that right, HOURS!
"But-- I've never really enjoyed oral sex." You say. Honey, that's
because you've never tried it with someone who KNOWS WHAT SHE'S DOING!